Saturday, 9 February 2013

Horses for (first and second) courses

Well, I didn't see people making a fuss when they thought they were eating us cows all this time! What makes horses so special, eh? I know if I were a human, I'd enjoy tucking into a nice horse burger on a crispy (thorough) bread roll, or a delicious Red Rump steak with a nice Caesar salad lavished with dressage, maybe even something nice and livery, all washed down with a lovely bottle of stable wine. In fact, I'd be champing at the bit just to try it.

Sunday, 23 December 2012


In the spirit of Christmas, and in honour of that famous yuletide scene during World War One when sworn enemies briefly put aside their differences over a game of football, we decided to organise a game against our main enemy – humans. Here is a match report from this, the world’s first ever inter-species match. Now, to give them the disrespect they deserve (and because they all look the same to me), I will refer to the human players solely by their number.

Passion was running wild in the crowd and the atmosphere was electric – even before the players came out onto the pitch the humans’ hairs were standing up on the back of their necks, and the cows’ udders were tingling. Then, shortly before 3 pm, the teams came out to a rapturous welcome, with much clapping of hands among the human fans while the cow supporters stamped their hoofs in appreciation. In the interest of impartiality the referee was a monkey - a figure who, in evolutionary terms, can be described as somewhere between the human race and the animal world. A bit like Luis Suarez.

We bovines had a couple of close-season signings to boost our ranks – German captain Franz Beckencauer signed from Bayern Moonich to shore up the defence and Wayne Mooney to knock in the goals at the other end. Brazilian Cowpato, recently back from upset stomachs, was on the bench. Winning the coin toss, the bovine captain Angus Senior decided to kick towards the section with his own team’s most vociferous, most passionate fans in the Cowshed End. This of course meant many jeers and whistles as the human goalkeeper made his way slowly towards these noisy ultras who were soon serenading him with a brief rendition of the classic chant “You’re dung and you know you are”. In response, the human fans in the opposite end behind goalkeeper Doris replied with their own famous song “Who’s in all the pies? Who’s in all the pies? You are”.

The humans kicked off, with number 9 passing it to number 10, who quickly heard his manager's cry of “pass it out to the flank”. Unfortunately, upon hearing the word flank, our left back Morag did her usual response to hearing a type of meat – she passed out instantly. Coach Daisy, immediately seeing the problem, ran on the pitch to rouse Morag with the magic sponge and the game was quickly able to continue.

The first incident of note came in the 9th minute when Beckencauer literally hoofed the ball up field for speedy winger Angus Junior to chase after. Angus was quick to show off his dribbling skills, but unfortunately the ball then had to be replaced because it was covered in dribble. In the 15th minute the humans, in a devastating counter attack, took the lead. Daisy clearly began to regret picking the halfwit Sally in defence. As the ball crept towards Sally, our manager cried out, “Quick, play the long ball, Sally!” Turning back to Coach Daisy, a confused Sally replied, “But I can’t see a long ball, only this round one.” The hesitation gave the human number 10 the chance to nip in and dink the ball over the outrushing Doris into the net. The human fans went wild, and Daisy realised she needed to make a tactical change. She’d originally planned to play the offside trap, but now realised the intricacies and subtleties of the offside law were too difficult for the neuron-impaired Sally to understand. Then again, the intricacies of WWF wrestling are too hard for Sally to understand (our resident brain donor said she couldn’t understand why the World Wildlife Fund were wearing those tiny spandex shorts).

So it was time for a substitution. “Ok Kerry,” our trainer Daisy, realising silly Sally had to be replaced, now said to our resident promiscuous cow, “I want you to go on instead of Sally, I want you to play in a flat back four.” “Are you trying to say I ain’t got no udders?” Kerry, in her strong Essex accent, said in her usual confrontational style before Daisy explained what a flat back four was.

Daisy realised it was going to take a minor miracle to get back in the game. Luckily that soon came. From a back pass, Doris literally leathered the ball up field, and the human centre back slipped, letting Angus Junior in behind the defence. With a quick shimmy and feint Angus took the ball round the keeper before sliding the ball into the empty net. Right in front of the human fans, Angus now removed his shirt. The monkey ref, as required by the laws of the game, of course had to show Angus a yellow card (ok, it was actually a banana).

Then in the 32nd minute came the game’s first contentious issue. Mooney accidentally stood on number 8’s foot, and, considering Mooney weighs 600 kilos, this of course hurt like hell. Unsurprisingly, the human reacted by punching Mooney in the face. The referee of course had no choice but to show a red card, but then, seeing the red, Angus Junior ran up and headbutted the referee! “I hate red”, Angus said later, trying to justify his actions, but now both teams were down to ten creatures as the referee had no choice but to send Angus for an early bath, the first bath of his life.

The second half started disastrously for us bovines. We were passing the ball around stylishly when suddenly it started to rain, and all the cows immediately decided to lie down. Not one to miss out on a morally suspect advantage due to bovine instincts, the human number 7 nicked the ball and sped away to blast the ball into an unguarded goal. 2-1 to the bipedal bruisers.

Luckily the rain soon stopped, so Bovine FC’s players could stand up again, but time was running out – Daisy looked at the clock and there were only 90 seconds remaining when Beckencauer went on a storming run up field before crossing to Angus Senior, who buried the ball into the net with his horns (bursting the ball in the process). 2-2! Would there be time for a final twist?

In the fourth minute of injury time came the answer – a foul by human number 5 on Kerry led to a free kick on the edge of the box. Kerry thought this entitled her to give the player a kick back for free, but luckily team captain Angus Senior stopped her in time as he lined up the free kick. Staring at the human wall, he stamped his hoof down hard on the ground before running at full pelt towards the ball and wellying it into the top corner! The human goalkeeper was glued to the spot (otherwise he might have saved it). What a game! And what a victory for the bovines!

Tuesday, 18 September 2012


Sorry for the lack of updates, dear readers, but as you can see from this picture, we've been on holiday in Corsica. It wasn't much fun squeezing into the Easyjet seats, but it was well worth it once we arrived.

It's now time to think of next year's holiday destination. Probably either Moonich, Istanbull or Moscow. Or maybe Jersey. I heard they really welcome cows here. Much more than they do in the Steak District anyway.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Cow pitch invasion!

Now I'm a big football fan. I shouldn't be really, considering the players wear dead cows on their feet to kick a ball made of dead cows, but still, it's good to watch. Here's a video of a friend of mine making her own pitch invasion

As a tribute to my friend's heroic act, here's a cow football team

Goalkeeper - Dino Stroganzoff

Centre backs - Jaap Stampede, Beef Curle

Full backs - Cowpatrice Evra, Benoit Grassou-Ekotto

Midfield - Dunga, Cesc Fabregrass, Franck Ribeye-ry, Diego Maradoner-Kebab (captain)

Forwards - Radamel Falcow, Steve Bull

Managed of course by Jose Moorinho

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

TV on our farm is depressing

The telly has been getting me down. All the things available on our local farm-based channel are clearly designed to depress farmyard animals. For example:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Mutton - tragic tale of  a sheep who, instead of ageing, has the misfortune of becoming younger, much tastier, and inevitably eaten.

Veal or No Veal - a sickening programme in which  a cow has to open boxes which either contain cash or parts of her children. The TV guide describes it as a cross between the lottery and the film Se7en. To make it an even more horrifying experience to watch, it is also presented by Noel Edmonds

Pork & Mindy - A highly intelligent pig travels to earth from space, and gets eaten

The Ham Busters - The tragic story of how British forces dropped thousands of squealing pigs on Nazi Germany. Starring Kevin Bacon

Million Dollar Kebaby - Tragic tale of a cow who becomes a boxer, ends up paralysed after a lost fight, and then gets eaten by some drunks on a Friday night

Liver Let Die - Low-action James Bond film, where Roger Moore spends 90 minutes eating foie gras

Any other ideas what we could watch, dear readers?