Buttercup's Delightful Dictionary!

In my opinion one of humankind’s greatest achievements is the creation of dictionaries. Samuel Johnson in particular is worthy of great praise here (and he was fantastic in Blackadder, of course). To illustrate his magnificent achievement, what is the first word that comes into your head now? Ok, try to define it. See, not easy, is it? So imagine trying to do that for every single word in your language. A monumental achievement, I am sure you agree. But one thing about official dictionaries is that the definitions are a bit bland, a bit dry and uninspired, and with this in mind I will be starting a new regular section of my blog where I give my definitions for well known words. So Welcome to Buttercup's Delightful Dictionary! Here are the first entries

Cacti – crappy neckwear

Mango – rather impolite way to ask a human male to leave

Carpet - domestic animal belonging to an automobile

Boomerang – what to say to scare a dessert

Do you have any ideas, dear readers?

3 posts in and still going strong!

It’s Question of the Day time!

It’s a slightly more intellectual one this time. Considering that the banks should be held accountable for the continuing financial crisis and that the bailout of Greece will inevitably be followed by a domino effect of more and more economic problems, in what way would you – if you had the opportunity – most like to kill Phil Collins?

I was checking the statistics of my visitors and saw that many of you do not speak English as a mother tongue, so if there is something you don’t understand, here is a very useful link

www.google.com

My editor Denis works as a translator and uses this site to do all of his translations.

You might have looked at some of my favourite music under my profile. As a country girl I really should like country music, but unfortunately it is a huge pile of Collins. I much prefer the Sex Pistols. One good thing about country music, however, is that the song titles are sometimes brilliant. Here are some of my favourites:

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine

Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

You humans puzzle me sometimes. I mean, what enjoyment could you actually possibly get out of cow tipping? I originally thought it was along the lines of giving bovine waitresses a bit of extra money for the quality of service, but no – you humans actually sneak up to cows to push them over. In case you don’t believe me, here is the documentary evidence.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2gVvavcXuc

What a disgrace. I mean, there must be better ways to spend an afternoon than pushing over a poor, unsuspecting cow. But even this is more understandable than another human pastime apparently very popular in Liverpool - fly tipping. The intricacy required to tip over a fly – surely it’s not worth the effort for the amount of fun that can be derived from this cruel hobby.

More to follow soon

Buttercup x 

Unbelievable! Two posts in one day!

Well, I’ve already exceeded all expectations by writing a second post. Now it is time for some interesting cow facts. We really are wonderful creatures.

First of all, did you know cows can’t vomit? I did my own research here by drinking 20 pints of cheap English beer and then listening to an entire Phil Collins album, but even that didn’t make me sick.

Also, a cow weighs over 600 kilos, which is around ten times what the average human weighs (or about half of what the average American weighs). But you humans get to eat us? We need to sort out this relationship immediately.

Apparently the oldest cow ever (excluding Margaret Thatcher) was a Dremon cow named Big Bertha, who died just 3 months short of her 49th birthday on New Year’s Eve, 1993. What a party that was! Bertha’s New Year’s Eve hedonist extravaganzas were legendary, I tell you. She sure knew how to throw a party. That’s probably why her nickname was Keith Moo. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw her drive that tractor into a swimming pool.

Another fact - the highest lifetime production of milk for a single cow is 465,224 lbs by the cow named Number 289. Number 289? No wonder she was single with a name like that.

The smallest type of cow is a breed called Dexter. They were bred a small size for household living, and of course are all serial killers.

Dairy cows can produce 125 pounds of saliva a day. That’s pounds as in weight, not the British currency, obviously. Saliva, much to our great misfortune, is not a substance of high value. Or maybe it is. That would explain why professional footballers get paid so much.

Cows are able to hear lower and higher frequencies better than humans. Which probably explains why cows are such big fans of the Bee Gees and Barry White.

Cows have almost total 360 degree panoramic vision, which is very practical if we want to see all the exciting things happening around us – like cows lying down, cows chewing cud, and cows lying down and chewing cud.

So that’s it for today’s facts, now it’s time for Question of the Day

If you only have two bullets to use on Vladimir Putin, Robert Mugabe or Phil Collins, what would you do with the bullets? The obvious answer is of course to use them both on Phil Collins, just to make sure he’s dead. But apparently there are some people who – inexplicably – consider Putin’s modern brand of Stalinism and murder of journalists, or Mugabe’s deliberate starvation of his people, to be crimes even more despicable than Another Day in Paradise. So what do you think?

Welcome!

Hello, my name’s Buttercup, and this is my blog. There’s a distinct lack of blogs written by cows, so I thought I’d better start a new trend – after all, we cows have a lot more to say than you humans might think.

Here is a picture of me behind my friend Denis. I’m the one on the far right, and he’s the one with two legs. He helps me out a bit with grammar and spelling and also helped me a bit with the book I have written. It is an epic tale of bovine rebellion which cxhjdfsdfsdjfhrf. Oops, sorry about that, but it's not easy typing with hoofs. So where was I? Oh yes, it’s an epic tale of bovine rebellion which still needs a bit of work to finish, and this blog will give you details about my progress in getting my opus completed. Right, I suppose it’s time to tell you a bit more about myself and my friends.
In the picture next to me you can see Delilah. I suppose I could describe Delilah as a happy-go-lucky, easy-going, generally chilled out cow, but I’d be lying. She never stops complaining, whinging about all kinds of subjects but especially about bulls and her other favourite topic – everything. It is hardly surprising she complains about bulls, though, because we have to live with Angus. Boorish, cocky, arrogant - these are just a few words Angus doesn’t know the meaning of, but they describe him perfectly. With Angus's constant cruel barbs and insults, it is no wonder Morag from the Scottish Highlands is so insecure about her looks. Ok, she might be a bit hairier than the rest of us, but that’s no excuse for Angus telling her to shave and saying she shouldn’t be afraid of Immac because it’s not a type of burger.
The leader of our farm is Daisy, a.k.a. Moo See Dung. She is too busy to waste time with such frivolities as blogging, but she might offer occasional words of wisdom that appear on this page. She also has her hoofs full with her rebellious, adolescent daughter Doris. Doris drives her mad with her quick-fire tongue and threats to abandon vegetarianism and become a fully-fledged meat eater.
All of my friends (and Angus) have told me they will be making occasional appearances on this blog to give their unique views on life and, in Angus’s case, to bore you to death by telling you who he’s shagged. So I hope you look forward to that. 

Over the next few weeks you can look forward to updates on my life, and maybe even reviews of some films I have watched and books I have read. Here is a taster of what's to come

Film reviews

Milk - disappointing. I had no idea it was the story of a man. Wasted 2 hours of my life. In a similar vein, I’d rather not talk about the hours I wasted reading Günther Grass.

Driving Miss Daisy – see "Milk”

I will also be holding a competition for the best drawing of a cow, here is my entry to get the ball rolling.

And here's one by my friend Julien (go to http://sharemyspot.com/ to see his fantastic app)

And the next one - a wonderful sneezing cow by Julia

Right, I’m gonna strogan off for today, so speak to you soon.




Buttercup x