A random cow conversation to introduce Florence

Hello readers, there is another member of our herd you have not heard of yet, our eldest, wisest cow Florence. She is Daisy's mother, and although she seems to be slowly going a bit mad, she does come up with occasional pearls of senility wisdom. So here's the conversation.

"Oh," said Daisy, who had been busy reading the news online, "a fourteen year old boy from India had part of his penis bitten off when three girls asked him for help re-enacting oral sex scenes they'd seen in a pornographic film. The boy is in a critical condition in hospital. Stroganoffing Wellington! I wonder what film they were watching?"

"Dunno, maybe Jaws Does Dallas," suggested Doris.

"I thought it must have been Creatures of the Ocean Deep Throat," said Delilah.

"What happened to the young boy? I hope he's going to be okay," I said. As the youngest herd member I don't usually speak much, but I was concerned.

"Well, if he ends up dying, you'll have to look for the coroner's report, Daisy," said Doris, again annoying her mum by calling her by her first name.

"Why?" asked a flabbergasted Daisy, looking at her daughter with bewilderment. "If he dies it's probably because he's had part of his penis bitten off."

"Yes," said Doris, "but I just wanted to know if the coroner said he'd died from head wounds after receiving a heavy blow." Needless to say, Daisy, sighing heavily, now looked at Doris with a look of disdain. 

"Oi, behave now, here comes your Grandma. Hi Mum," Daisy bellowed out to the approaching Florence.

"Hi Daisy," Florence croaked out. She always sounds like she smokes 40 a day. She then turned to her granddaughter. "Hi there young Doris."

"Hi Florence," said Doris. "How are you, you old coffin dodger?"

"Doris!!!" shouted Daisy, clearly outraged. "That's no way to talk to your grandma."

"Why, what did I do wrong?" Doris wondered with a possible feigned look of innocence. Doris is an adept actor, so it is sometimes hard to tell when her emotions are genuine.

"What do you mean, 'what did I do wrong'? You should not say 'Hi Florence, how are you, you old coffin dodger' to your grandmother," a tutting Daisy explained. "I really shouldn't have to explain something like that to you. Come on, Doris, where are your manners? You should say 'Hi, Grandma. How are you, you old coffin dodger?'"

"Okay, sorry Grandma," Doris apologised. "So what's up then, you old cow?"

"You are a cheeky 'un, young lady," the senior citizen of the herd said to her granddaughter with a largely toothless grin. Florence had seen so much in her life that very few things were likely to shock her, and this included a cocky, brash, loud-mouthed adolescent granddaughter - after all, Florence had been just like that too in her younger days. Now, however, she spends most of her time watching Countdown.